Choosing Occurs in Union
The paradox of choice continues to challenge me. The solid changes that occurred last year seem to have nothing to do with the quality of my choices. I did not struggle to effect the changes – and when I get something that I didn’t have to work for, it is generally considered a gift.
Perhaps my difficulty in reconciling the subject of choice has less to do with the act of choosing and more to do with where the choice is made from. I’ve seen choice as something I do from the soul or the reasoning mind. I choose after deliberating pros and cons, weighing consequences, or analyzing the in’s and out’s. After careful consideration, a choice is made…the quality of which is evaluated by the results. Choices made from the soul’s arena rely heavily on outward signs and are fueled by ego – with either arrogance or self-doubt.
Conceivably, when the soul takes hold of the subject of choice it is perverted. The soul makes choice the identifying mark of man – our own small claim to independence that perpetuates the illusion of separation from God and keeps us feeling like we are in control. Ego allots choice too much power and dominion, causing man to assume too much autonomy and self-government. In essence, it separates the act of choosing from God.
Considering that choice is viable – I believe it belongs to the spirit of man and functions so differently that it is hardly recognizable as choice. If we choose from the spirit – where we are one with Christ – then the act of choosing cannot be separated from God. We choose, but with such humility that the choice is not distinguishable as our own. It is Christ, choosing effortlessly and baring no resemblance to what we formerly called choice.
Choice occurs…but it feels like pure gift. I choose, but am not conscious of my choosing. I change, but am not conscious of my changing. I can fearlessly receive all that life has for me, knowing every choice took flight in union with God. I choose…yet not I, but Christ chooses in, by, through, for, and as me.
As I become who I really am, God finally claims what is rightfully His. He is demanding me to “come forth.” Like Lazarus, it’s time to take off the grave clothes and to walk in newness of life. In the freedom of being myself I no longer seek meaning apart from who Christ is in me. Every answer is within me. A new pattern of fearless living and giving is emerging. I have let go of this false claim of having a right to my own self. This selfish objective to carve out a sense of self embodies the very nature of sin. This act of so-called freedom actually destroys freedom. Selfishness has an insatiable need for more. Self breeds self.
I need to be myself so I can give myself away. I can’t give what I don’t have. To be less than myself is to continue to give with only self interest in view. My ulterior motives remain intact. This disqualifies me from meeting the true needs of others because I’d rather help them according to how I want to help them rather than how they would actually like to be helped. I’ll help in ways that make me feel good about myself.There is a paradox here. I cannot give what I do not have and yet I cannot have what I will not give. It is seemingly contradictory and yet it’s true: to find myself I had to give myself away. I never “found myself” in the selfish search of a self for the sake of self. I am made in the image of God and He is “The Self Who is for others.” Therefore I am found in the giving, not in the getting.
I awoke with an inner push hampering my joy. The feeling was both familiar and foreign. Familiar to a former self perception but foreign to who I am today. A deep awareness of the legitimacy of my union with Christ is beginning to interpret old thought patterns as intruders.