Choice

Organically Choosing Life

I looked in a concordance and found that the word choose (in Hebrew) means: to take a close look at something to determine my preference in the matter. It holds the connotation of testing or examining.  The root origin is related to tilling, turning over, or preparing the ground. The idea is that, through examination, I am able to distinguish the best or most useful options in my life.

I believe making a choice is more organic than commonly assumed.  Organically speaking, I grow into choices that reflect who I am even as who I am comes into focus. An ugly duckling of a choice becomes a swan in time.  True choosing is a process and like any process it is perfected over time.  The fruit born proves the good nature of the seed that was planted. There are stages in its development when it will look awkward, but in the end, it is a reflection of Christ in me, as me.

As I am asked to ‘choose life’ I am asked to take a keen look, to test and examine life, to till its ground…until I am able to recognize life as my most valuable option. I choose through recognition.

If I liken choice to preference then self-awareness plays a key role in making choices that fit. To know myself is to know my preferences. It is a matter of identity – a key element of the gospel.  My inability to choose God was solved when God chose me. Fallen humanity had a fallen nature – filled with fallen choices. God solved this conundrum by crucifying fallen humanity in Christ, joining us to Himself, making a brand new creation where the two have become one.

The goal of the gospel is to reveal God’s view.  God sees me in union with Christ. Words like fallen, cursed, or sin-natured are false images in the context of a new creation. I am not depraved, hard-hearted, sinful, disobedient, unwilling, unteachable, unsubmitted, or rebellious. These words simply do not define a new creature.

I share in Christ’s divine nature; His nature is infusing my own and my choices are affected by that truth. Redemption is a reality but it is hard to manifest when the ‘good news’ I continue to hear is far less than good! Many voices would tie me to a corrupt nature, even though the Gospel is radically good news that claims otherwise.  More good news still, God uses all things for the good of those who love Him.  I don’t need to be preoccupied with darkness or light; God uses them both for His purpose.

To believe Him and to trust His work is to remember all He did to fashion this new creation.  Remembering who I am in each moment is the work that automatically aligns choice with true preference. I choose according to who I perceive myself to be. Who I perceive myself to be is changing everyday. Choosing is a simple matter of self-recognition. To see myself in union with Christ is to see the on-going purification of my choices.

To take the focus away from choice is to return the focus to the goal of seeing myself as God sees me – in Christ.  Choices that reflect who I am today generate more natural movements. It is no longer about good, bad, smart, stupid, right, or wrong choices.  It is about being still, tilling the ground, seeing who I am, and remembering whose I am so that I can recognize life as my most valuable option.  Choosing is a form of mind-renewal and every choice serves to remind me of who I am.

Recognition reflects being while choosing reflects doing.  I focus on the being, not the doing. If a spider is likened to my identity, then its web is like a myriad of choices. As I define the spider, the subsequent choices are not a problem. I am affirming oneness, ending duality, and choosing daily…but the act of choosing is never more important than the process of becoming self-aware. I am assured that change comes faster to those who see who they are than it does to those who try to do what they should.  When my focus is on being then choosing occurs without thinking.

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Irresistable Choice

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I release the notion that I have to fix myself or produce change.  I believed I had to be willing to make a change…but now I believe that Change is willing to make me.  Change appears as incontestable desire.  I’m not consciously choosing each change; each change is more consciously choosing me.  When allowed to occur in its time, both choice and change are irresistible; each surfacing as the obvious next step.  Heart is transcending mind, revealing God as the God of pure gift.

In the meantime, I am content with who and how I am TODAY.  Impatience gets me to waste energy trying to produce my own change.  The crafty old voice points out my differences and calls them defects.  I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad about “how” I am as a person. I’m dismissing that voice.  I am trusting who I am, no longer looking at what others can do as a measure of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do.  I’m not going to look at what comes easily to you and then judge myself for not being able to do the same.  Nor take what comes easy to me and use it as an occasion to judge you.  I’m letting me be me and you be you…and finding equal value in both.

Another new practice for me…I’m allowing myself to “feel.”  You may think, “WHAT?!” but I have felt guilty for feeling anything.  If I felt angry, sad, peaceful or glad a voice in my head would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way.  Being out of touch with my feelings created a lot of frustration.  I thought I was angry at other people, but emotions are tied to a deeper source.  Feelings are signals that direct me to my own conscience.  If I’m not being true to myself feelings surface to reveal my need for action or inaction.  When I ignore them, they escalate into darker emotions that become debilitating.

When I am attached to an event that I feel in some way responsible for –  either I feel I did something wrong or didn’t do enough – the apparent lack on my part triggers something that feels like guilt. Usually it stems from not trusting my own instincts.  As I learn to value my first impressions of a situation, I see that my gut feeling serves me well. Denying my gut is the primary way I let myself down.

Repeatedly denying the stimuli to say something, do something, or to confront or challenge something turns a slow burn into anger and bitterness.  I may point outwardly at someone else, but the truth is, I’m angry at me for dismissing my own inner knowing.  I deny me…and that hurts and the pain makes me angry.  It’s masked behind the guilt I feel for feeling angry…but the anger’s there and as I learn to be true to myself I know the pervading guilt that looms over my life will dissipate.  I will allow feelings to do the work they came to do and then let them pass away.  Life really is getting much lighter around here!

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An Old Pattern

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Have you ever tried to “read people” to find the meaning behind their actions?  This is a pattern that could be carried over from childhood. Children try on new friendships like shoes, looking for the ones that fit.  We’ve all lost  childhood friendships to what seemed like upgrades. Kids (not usually in touch with their motives) don’t often say why they’re “moving on,” they just treat the former friend differently. As this happens, we can feel the shift in their affection and if we misinterpreted the cue to “bug off,” their indifference can turn to cruelty.  As children, we often have to figure out the “end” of a friendship by examining subtleties and inferences.

The pattern can carry into adulthood and we can waste a lot of energy looking for signs of the impending end of relationships.  The tendency to “read people” entangles us and our experiences only strengthen the cords.  We can easily take the approach of “taking the hint” when we feel we are no longer valued.  If we don’t feel we are preferred we can feel replaced and think it is up to us to figure it out just by reading the “signs”.

If the pattern carries, we can expect the same behavior from God.  We believe that He will only lead us indirectly; He’ll drop a few hints, and expect us to figure it out from there. If we miss the mark, we have to live with the consequence of our misstep. Translation:  little movement for fear of choosing wrong. Our view is skewed!  God is not cryptic; He says what He means.  Parables are pictures, not puzzles.

Shifting our focus onto God’s ability to lead, rather than our perceived need to interpret is our way out of this misguided thinking.  Along the way, I’ve learned that direct communication is important to me.  I am frustrated and disheartened when indirect approaches are taken.  I can handle the truth. Please don’t lie to me or coddle me.  The truth doesn’t hurt nearly as much as what my mind does when left to its own analysis.  My mind can splinter an interpretation in a million different directions, exhausting me in the process.  Don’t be rude, unkind, or insensitive – speak the truth in love – but please, speak the truth…

Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ…    Ephesians 4:15 AMP

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His Choice

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As I leave self-scrutiny behind, the real “me” is free to emerge.  My view into the heart of God is His choice for me; it’s the revelation of who He’s chosen to be in me.  From this vantage point I see the scope of all He intends to be through me.  I’m confident enough now to let me be – no matter how simplistic the view.  It’s easy to adopt the expression of God in another, but I will ache until I am who He’s chosen to be in me.  It is this that gives my heart its proper rhythm. Life is asking me to live while pointing out that the only life I will live is the life I will live right now.  Life wants to make Pinocchio a real boy and give the Tin man a heart.  I’ve longed for passion and now I know…when vision allows me to be me, then my passion for life will fuel my darkest hour.

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Choosing Occurs in Union

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The paradox of choice continues to challenge me. The solid changes that occurred last year seem to have nothing to do with the quality of my choices. I did not struggle to effect the changes – and when I get something that I didn’t have to work for, it is generally considered a gift.

Perhaps my difficulty in reconciling the subject of choice has less to do with the act of choosing and more to do with where the choice is made from. I’ve seen choice as something I do from the soul or the reasoning mind. I choose after deliberating pros and cons, weighing consequences, or analyzing the in’s and out’s. After careful consideration, a choice is made…the quality of which is evaluated by the results. Choices made from the soul’s arena rely heavily on outward signs and are fueled by ego – with either arrogance or self-doubt.

Conceivably, when the soul takes hold of the subject of choice it is perverted. The soul makes choice the identifying mark of man – our own small claim to independence that perpetuates the illusion of separation from God and keeps us feeling like we are in control. Ego allots choice too much power and dominion, causing man to assume too much autonomy and self-government. In essence, it separates the act of choosing from God.

Considering that choice is viable – I believe it belongs to the spirit of man and functions so differently that it is hardly recognizable as choice. If we choose from the spirit – where we are one with Christ – then the act of choosing cannot be separated from God. We choose, but with such humility that the choice is not distinguishable as our own. It is Christ, choosing effortlessly and baring no resemblance to what we formerly called choice.

Choice occurs…but it feels like pure gift. I choose, but am not conscious of my choosing. I change, but am not conscious of my changing. I can fearlessly receive all that life has for me, knowing every choice took flight in union with God. I choose…yet not I, but Christ chooses in, by, through, for, and as me.

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Valued, but Not Exalted

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As I let go of fear I naturally experience greater freedom of movement. The way I view life is changing. I don’t place as much emphasis on my responsibility to make right choices – and I feel more relaxed. The focus I’ve placed on the need to choose well has kept me fearful of myself. If the quality of my life rests solely on the choices I make then why wouldn’t I be afraid? My choices often seemed to produce difficult circumstances; what else could I do but blame myself and my foolish choices. I developed a fear of choosing wrong which, of course, only immobilized my ability to chose at all. I am learning to value the freedom of choice, but not to exalt my choices.  Regardless of my choices, God is still able to turn lemons into lemonade.

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