Susan – Page 7 – Windmills in Moonlight

Irresistable Choice

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Choice Letting Go
Post comments:2 Comments

I release the notion that I have to fix myself or produce change. I believed I had to be willing to make a change…but now I believe that Change is willing to make me. Change appears as incontestable desire. I’m not consciously choosing each change; each change is more consciously choosing me. When allowed to occur in its time, both choice and change are irresistible; each surfacing as the obvious next step. Heart is transcending mind, revealing God as the God of pure gift.

In the meantime, I am content with who and how I am TODAY. Impatience gets me to waste energy trying to produce my own change. The crafty old voice points out my differences and calls them defects. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad about “how” I am as a person. I’m dismissing that voice. I am trusting who I am, no longer looking at what others can do as a measure of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do. I’m not going to look at what comes easily to you and then judge myself for not being able to do the same. Nor take what comes easy to me and use it as an occasion to judge you. I’m letting me be me and you be you…and finding equal value in both.

Another new practice for me…I’m allowing myself to “feel.” You may think, “WHAT?!” but I have felt guilty for feeling anything. If I felt angry, sad, peaceful or glad a voice in my head would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way. Being out of touch with my feelings created a lot of frustration. I thought I was angry at other people, but emotions are tied to a deeper source. Feelings are signals that direct me to my own conscience. If I’m not being true to myself feelings surface to reveal my need for action or inaction. When I ignore them, they escalate into darker emotions that become debilitating.

When I am attached to an event that I feel in some way responsible for – either I feel I did something wrong or didn’t do enough – the apparent lack on my part triggers something that feels like guilt. Usually it stems from not trusting my own instincts. As I learn to value my first impressions of a situation, I see that my gut feeling serves me well. Denying my gut is the primary way I let myself down.

Repeatedly denying the stimuli to say something, do something, or to confront or challenge something turns a slow burn into anger and bitterness. I may point outwardly at someone else, but the truth is, I’m angry at me for dismissing my own inner knowing. I deny me…and that hurts and the pain makes me angry. It’s masked behind the guilt I feel for feeling angry…but the anger’s there and as I learn to be true to myself I know the pervading guilt that looms over my life will dissipate. I will allow feelings to do the work they came to do and then let them pass away. Life really is getting much lighter around here!

Seasonally Undefined

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Paradox
Post comments:3 Comments

I’m still exercising the freedom to be seasonally undefined. I’m born to be who Christ has chosen to be in me; being me is the highest form of gratitude I can give to Him. I’ve had difficulty knowing just who this ‘me’ is. I’ve melded into others like a chameleon. Coming into my own is liberating, albeit confusing. I think that’s why He keeps giving me permission to be ‘no one.’ We’re starting with a blank canvas so I can identify my own color palette, and then use it to express myself in myriad ways.

I’m endeavoring to see myself, others, and all of life from the Father’s view. I see many expressions of One Christ – with no lines of discrimination. Jesus said, “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” In Him, I embody the same paradoxical union. More circles…it’s not a me story, it’s a God story…and yet, in many ways, it’s about no one else but me.

He is convincing me that ‘I’ am what makes my life worth living. To receive myself is to receive the only gift I can ever give to others. I cannot give who I wish I were or who I try to be. I can only give you me. During the last few years I have had to find, receive, and employ my own know-how for living, and in the process I am finding that I am my own reward.

Receiving myself eradicates the feeling that anything is missing in my life. I’m my own missing link and the only gift I can keep on giving. Here’s my point… before receiving myself, I could not be a self for others; now that I have, I can be nothing less! I’ve come undone…and found wholeness. Paradox and circles…you gotta love ’em!

Love is God’s Action

Post author:Susan
Post category:Trust Union
Post comments:2 Comments

After my last blog, Amanda and I shared how the paradox of selfishness and selflessness impacts relationships. I am reminding myself that God is the Spirit that makes all things holy, the Energy that makes life tangible, and the Love that overcomes all obstacles. Apart from God, love is non-existent. There are many counterfeits, but authentic love emanates from God, through me, and toward you. If you are able to receive love through me, then that too is God’s love. His love is both the giving and the receiving of love. Love is God’s action on our behalf.

God loves unconditionally because love is Who He is, not something He has. He loves in response to Himself. His love is not based upon who I am or what I’ve done. He doesn’t love me because I’m loveable; He loves me because He is love.

Here’s the stretch… love is now the true nature of my being (in union with Christ). Therefore, I love because it is who I know myself to be. I love because it is right for me to love. To be true to myself is to love unconditionally because the fact of my loving is no longer based upon how you behave. I offer love with no strings attached. I am not looking for something from you in return for my love. I won’t love you more if you progress and I won’t love you less if you digress. In the true spirit of loving there is no perceived benefit to the lover. Love is given purely for the sake of the one who will receive that gift.

Obviously this is unearthly love…it comes from someone greater than myself. Apart from Him… nothing.

Refining Choice

Post author:Susan
Post category:Paradox
Post comments:2 Comments

Conflicting forces refine choice. The contrast of bitter makes sweet all the sweeter. The seeming polar opposites of selfishness and selflessness exist to serve one another. Selfishness broadens the gap between the contradictions in life, selflessness will close that gap. Selfishness emphasizes differences, selflessness reveals the common ground. Selfishness magnifies problems, selflessness unveils solutions. Selfishness exposes faults, selflessness covers a multitude of sins. Here’s the paradox though: without selfishness, I will not arrive at selflessness.

One Relationship

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go Union
Post comments:0 Comments

Christ is my problem, my solution, and my application of that solution. He is the “real me” and the erasure of dividing lines. He is the all in all, the common bond, and the unifying thread of creation. He unites my own being and increases my awareness of union with others. The fact of Christ increases everyone”s value.

Feelings of separation occur in my relationships only when I forget my union with Christ. When I take care of the root belief system, the branches bear good fruit. If I try to fix branches without nourishing the root, relationships weaken.

The key to restoration is underground. When the wind blows and branches sway, a strong root system enables a relationship to weather a storm. I trust the inner work. I’m not asked to fix any relationship; the perpetual motion of relationship that lives in me fixes everything. Remembering that I am one with Christ is the adjustment that allows all else to align accordingly.

Feelings are storm systems, temporal in nature. I feel what I feel, but I don’t allow feelings to form beliefs. Today’s rain is tomorrow’s sunshine. Truth is above the storm, a place undisturbed by gravitational pulls and shifting patterns of hot and cold, love and hate. I acknowledge, allow, accept, and even affirm my feelings, but then I run them through the sieve of truth. They serve their purpose, and then I let them go.

An Old Pattern

Post author:Susan
Post category:Choice Paradox
Post comments:4 Comments

Have you ever tried to “read people” to find the meaning behind their actions? This is a pattern that could be carried over from childhood. Children try on new friendships like shoes, looking for the ones that fit. We’ve all lost childhood friendships to what seemed like upgrades. Kids (not usually in touch with their motives) don’t often say why they’re “moving on,” they just treat the former friend differently. As this happens, we can feel the shift in their affection and if we misinterpreted the cue to “bug off,” their indifference can turn to cruelty. As children, we often have to figure out the “end” of a friendship by examining subtleties and inferences.

The pattern can carry into adulthood and we can waste a lot of energy looking for signs of the impending end of relationships. The tendency to “read people” entangles us and our experiences only strengthen the cords. We can easily take the approach of “taking the hint” when we feel we are no longer valued. If we don’t feel we are preferred we can feel replaced and think it is up to us to figure it out just by reading the “signs”.

If the pattern carries, we can expect the same behavior from God. We believe that He will only lead us indirectly; He’ll drop a few hints, and expect us to figure it out from there. If we miss the mark, we have to live with the consequence of our misstep. Translation: little movement for fear of choosing wrong. Our view is skewed! God is not cryptic; He says what He means. Parables are pictures, not puzzles.

Shifting our focus onto God’s ability to lead, rather than our perceived need to interpret is our way out of this misguided thinking. Along the way, I’ve learned that direct communication is important to me. I am frustrated and disheartened when indirect approaches are taken. I can handle the truth. Please don’t lie to me or coddle me. The truth doesn’t hurt nearly as much as what my mind does when left to its own analysis. My mind can splinter an interpretation in a million different directions, exhausting me in the process. Don’t be rude, unkind, or insensitive – speak the truth in love – but please, speak the truth…

Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ… Ephesians 4:15 AMP

His Choice

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Choice
Post comments:0 Comments

As I leave self-scrutiny behind, the real “me” is free to emerge. My view into the heart of God is His choice for me; it’s the revelation of who He’s chosen to be in me. From this vantage point I see the scope of all He intends to be through me. I’m confident enough now to let me be – no matter how simplistic the view. It’s easy to adopt the expression of God in another, but I will ache until I am who He’s chosen to be in me. It is this that gives my heart its proper rhythm. Life is asking me to live while pointing out that the only life I will live is the life I will live right now. Life wants to make Pinocchio a real boy and give the Tin man a heart. I’ve longed for passion and now I know…when vision allows me to be me, then my passion for life will fuel my darkest hour.

Timing is Everything

Post author:Susan
Post category:Trust
Post comments:2 Comments

I don’t need to do great things; I just need to know that my life is Christ coming through to those I’ve known. It’s a simple dream… but it is mine. With this as my core, all other dreams are born.

Dreams spark desires and from desires requests are made; but good asking requires good timing. I ask when I am so full of the question that I cannot contain it any longer. With the asking comes a knowing that the answer is on its way; but not necessarily right around the corner. I may pass through deserts and valleys. I may experience the disappointment of delay and even try to create my own shortcuts; but I learn to trust even in the dark. Delay prepares me for what lies ahead. Every trial and seeming set back in life is an invitation to grow up. Trials transform me into a person who can sustain and appreciate the dream’s fulfillment.

I would really like the house to sell…YESTERDAY! Ultimately, I know that delay is present only because there are things that are being made ready. If the answer could come right away, it would. Since it’s not, I know it will do so just as soon as all the pieces are in place. To rely on perfect timing is to trust a bigger picture, a higher view, a Sovereign God. There is more than what currently meets the eye. When the parts align and come into focus the timing will make sense. To trust love is to never worry again about what seems to be delay.

So be it…

Trusting Motive

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go
Post comments:2 Comments

If I won’t let go of the discourtesy of another (real or imaginary) then what will I do with it? Holding onto a lack of consideration in another (or my own for that matter) hurts. Forgiveness is a good starting place when looking for clear perspective. It’s a waste of time to determine if my perception of someone else’s action is accurate. To rely on mental discernment is to enter the twisted imaginings of a false and fleeting ego. Who I really am knows what is real versus mere projection and conjecture…more importantly, she knows what to do with what she knows. Imaginations are cast down when I let go – and easily executed when I remember there is no “me” who needs defending. In the circle of life, wrongs turn to rights and all things come back into the light. I can trust the heart, motive, and intentions of each person (including me) because I trust God. This is the purist view that’s simplifying my thought life. I see vessels of honor, green pastures, and rich fruit.

Meekness

Post author:Susan
Post category:Simplicity
Post comments:4 Comments

Meekness is a temperance of spirit that is neither elated nor cast down because it’s not occupied with itself in any way. It neither grumbles nor complains because it’s satisfied in any circumstance. I relate meekness to moderation and link it to Paul’s contentment whether abased or abounding.

Ask me, and I’d say I live moderately. My house is small, my possessions few. But the reason people live moderately determines meekness. Many who live moderately do so out of necessity or to protect against scarcity. People tend to create a controlled environment to safeguard against future lack. Fear is often impelling us to manage our affairs moderately. If we had more, we’d spend more, merely increasing the size of our controlled environment. Hence, we may look moderate but not possess a true spirit of meekness.

True moderation is born of the spirit with unselfish motives. It spends freely but without compulsion, gives generously but without coercion. Meekness sees abundance and humbly receives. To prosper is to graciously partake of the generous nature of God without the fear of greed. I once read a motto to counter balance greed which said: Do not take more than you can truly love.

We have possessions we don’t have time to truly love or even the heart to truly love it with. What might we give away if we lived by that motto? What might we live without? I’m convinced that in the absence of excess we will experience the joy of simplicity. As our hearts expand our lives will be filled with people, not things.

When I feel overwhelmed or discontent I clean a closet and give away what I don’t need. There’s a connection. The desire to downsize possessions is linked to the ache for freedom. The sale of the house represents freedom for me. I want to be debt-free; I want to pursue a dream of simple living, doing what I love, and living from faith-filled moments of trusting God.