There are occasions when I return to an exercise in uncensored writing. It is how I unload without the hindrance of feeling the need to watch my words or over-analyse my faith posture. I express confusion, doubt, anxiety, torment, anger, or any other emotion, without preaching myself a sermon on why I should or should not be feeling those feelings. The Lord uses these occasions to unravel tangled messes.
The twisted subject of weight loss is a good example. I have been emptying my soul on this subject for some time. It feels like the whole topic has taken the form of idolatry. Have I let the quest for weight loss identify me? Do I believe that others judge me based on outward appearances? Is that how I judge myself?
I think too much about the need to lose weight. The cycle of failure on this subject is intense. Voices from the past are still audible. Confusion mounts: Am I simply not resting my faith on His ability in me? Is this a thorn in my flesh meant to keep me relying upon the Lord? Should I leave the subject alone because of how all-consuming it has become? A reasoning mind can find support for all three variables, which only adds to the paralysis.
This much I know, my way of escaping confusion is to allow the search for His reality in me to be my singular quest. All the other questions, answers, and needs will fall in line behind that one quest. I want to exercise discipline, but I want it to be discipline attached to the awareness of His life in me. I don’t want to revert to the impotence of self-discipline that ends up in self-disappointment.
I want to tap His discipline in me as a means of knowing Him. I want to experience His presence as He flows through this vessel. He is able to do far more than I can ask or think. So, here I am, surrendering all of this…again! I shift my focus back to Him, to seeking His face, and trusting that He will awaken my hunger to know Him as He really is. Christ in me is temperate. Who I really am is temperate. I deeply desire to manifest His attributes, bear His fruit, and reflect His character. That is the true nature of my being, the natural bend of this new creation.