May 2009 – Windmills in Moonlight

Going Silent

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go
Post comments:2 Comments

Going silent is now my favorite practice. The thought realm seems to emphasize quantity over quality and so my spiritual practice is to downsize. Mind chatter cheapens my soul and thwarts my quiet fellowship with the mind of Christ.

It is a spiritual risk but I’m challenging my own perceptions, opinions, interpretations, and even discernments (accurate or inaccurate, it doesn’t matter). I am again resisting the urge to be understood by others (including myself). If I feel misrepresented, misjudged, or like I’m on the receiving end of a sniper attack my practice is to go silent and to calmly escape the bullet.

I really have no need to defend, protect, or preserve my character with anyone anymore. Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business. I desire peace and silencing my own mind is my objective. I will not voice complaints against objectionable behaviors or seeming betrayals…not even in my own head. What I will do is “work out” my own salvation with a trembling tenderness of conscience before the Lord.

It helps to keep in mind that my view is partial at best. What I see is part of the picture. Once I realize the view is limited I diffuse the urge to let the snapshot become a panoramic view. There are other pieces to the puzzle, other chapters yet to be written, and events yet to unfold. A reactionary life is exhausting. It is far more enjoyable to let the moment pass and to find the correct response a little farther down the road.

Knowing the way the mind works motivates me to keep letting go. Abandoning my self to the peace and joy of inner silence is making my life worth the living. I have no need to preserve a self-image. I really am free to be no one. In fact, nothing is more enticing to me. Silencing the need to be validated or affirmed by others also silences the need for the continuation of that validation. False needs are a bottomless pit.

So for today, my friends, forgive me if the voicing of any complaints has caused you unrest. At best, it weakened your respect for me. At worst, it weakened your respect for others. Let it all go, life is too short. Complaining is self interest that disturbs the peace of knowing and enjoying God as the all in all. After all, nothing gets to me that does not first pass through God.

All is Only Good

Post author:Susan
Post category:Liberty Obedience Trust
Post comments:0 Comments

For a long time I was afraid to explore my beliefs because I wasn’t sure how many of them were my own. My heart asked me to step outside of a box but I didn’t trust Christ as me enough to follow. I was scared to go alone and no one else seemed to have the same nagging questions as the ones my heart posed. How could they? Union with Christ forms an eternal monogamy and no one else can go to the inner chamber where Christ as me takes me. He forms a unique expression in me and that means we walk alone… together. Each person’s journey is an emergence into their true selves. For this reason, relationship with Christ is personal beyond degree.

Eventually, the familiar was denied stimulation and I was nudged away. With the distance came daring. I had to give myself permission to be potentially different from those I loved. Fear told me that if I were different I would no longer be liked. I would not fit in. It could be dangerous. What if God authored a different translation in me than He authored in those around me? What if my differences caused friction? What if I no longer fit the mold of who others perceived me to be? What would it cost me and what would it cost those who had relied on me? Fear used these taunting questions to keep me in a comfort zone…until faith removed the comfort and ushered me into the great unknown.

I’m here now, walking in the dark with the Holy Spirit. I “go silent” often. I release uncertainty, loneliness, and isolation often. I let go when I feel deprived of old identities, familiarities, and liberties…I let go often. But I am abandoned to the belief that I am His to orchestrate – His way, for His reasons. I don’t know why one has to leave the nest while others get to stay. But I know this…His love for me is the cause of His action. He has my best interest at heart. He does it for me, not against me. I have not been uprooted because of corruption but rather in-corruption. In trust of union I’m giving up the mistaken tones of distrust and despair – not only towards God, but toward myself and others. In Him all is only good.

Asking for Trust

Post author:Susan
Post category:Trust
Post comments:1 Comment

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

If the kingdom of God is within me then His righteousness is also found in me. I look inwardly and find the mystery divine – Christ in me, as me – and then I trust Him for the rightness of thought, purpose, and action in everything that follows. To trust Him is to proclaim no ability but His. Not too long ago, I thought to ask for wisdom (it served Solomon well) but instead my heart cried out for greater trust. With greater trust came a greater awareness of union. To trust God with increasing intensity is to dismiss the notion of separation altogether. If I trust God, then “I” am not a threat on any level. The “me” that I thought was my own roadblock is taken down by trust. This higher trust is destroying the illusion of a defective (yet somehow responsible) Susan.

Thoughts of independence and self-reliance (even those hidden in misused words like ”responsibility”) diminish trust. After all, if change depends on me then I have every reason to doubt. In truth, I cannot do anything until I”m abandoned to the truth that God is in full, total, and complete control. Unlimited trust becomes synonymous with union awareness. There is no separate “me” to depend on, trust in, or to expect something from; there”s no “me” to mess it up or get it right. I didn’t know it but when I pressed into the issues of trust I touched a life that was more real than ever before. Trust is the most authentic evidence of relationship. It is the fruit of union – the manifestation of His Person and Kingdom within. Each trusting step removes a little more old self-clutter from my view.

As I trust, my own opinions fall away. The release of mindsets can be painful but it always brings me a step closer to freedom. Trusting God as the all in all (trusting His authorship in all things) erases the old perceptions. The temporal is fading, but through union I am at home in His permanence. I am led to that which never changes within me – that which is already perfect, finished, and spotless. My requests meld in conformity to His will and they bring me to full agreement with all that He is in me.

Fear of the illusory self is gone when I trust God as my action. Introspection and analytic thinking fade. Hurt, anger, offense, insult, betrayal, loss, insecurity, and a myriad of other feelings are merely fear in disguise. The enemy distracts me with an offense to keep me from seeing the lack of trust therein. I lose the fear that forms the offense when I keep all things in God and accept all things as coming from His hand. Trust has become a bridge and it is closing the gap in my understanding. Truly, there is nothing to do, only something to see…and even that depends on Him. He who began the good work is faithful to complete it…