January 2009 – Windmills in Moonlight

Umbrella

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go
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A million negative thoughts and feelings can come to beat me down but as I “go silent” they pass on by. I don’t have to go where thoughts want to lead me and I don’t have to feel what they want me to feel. Dismissing thoughts is like standing under a see-through umbrella; the negative thoughts rain down like bird droppings; they hit and splatter, but they’re not actually landing on me. I may still flinch when I see one coming, but as long as I stay under the umbrella I’m safe and unsullied.

If I abandon the umbrella and connect with a negative thought then I run the risk of becoming obsessed by it. Thoughts need my focus in order to disturb my peace or drive me toward negative reactions. I’ll end up saying what I shouldn’t say and doing what I shouldn’t do – all because I put a single thought under a microscope and magnified it until it was all I could see. To detach from negative thoughts is to go back under the umbrella. I may always see them and hear them splatter, but I don”t have to be adversely affected by them. In this way I am in the world but not of it.

His Winnowing Fork

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go
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I baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: whose winnowing fork [fan] is in his hand, and he will thoroughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. Matthew 3:11-12 (KJV)

FAN: A two-fold instrument used for winnowing grain. One fan is like a fork used to throw the grain to the wind so the chaff may be blown away: the other fan is used to produce wind when the air is too calm (so the fork can be used again).

It seems like a strange verse to speak into my life and it hardly seems comforting; yet I find it very comforting for it reminds me that He is in control. His winnowing fork is in His hand. Like grain, my life is tossed into the wind so the chaff can be blown from the wheat. And when the air is too calm, His fan stirs the wind so He can throw the grain once again. He is thoroughly purging His threshing floor and making the ground useful – smoothing it off and beating it down. I am the wheat He’s gathering into His barn; a pure and abundant harvest. This verse speaks of the chaos but reminds me that He’s good, He knows what He”s doing, I’m in His process, and all is well. I will come out clean. He is removing the chaff in me, making a pure and holy habitation. I trust Him to do this work. I cannot control happenstance, strengthen weakness, or open my eyes; only God can baptize me with the Holy Ghost and fire. I consciously step aside – once again – to watch Him do what only He can do. I am loved, I can rest.

Rest

Post author:Susan
Post category:Union
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With a hunger to find God, I found the whole of who I am. He is the principle I long to recognize, the character I long to possess, and the freedom I need to just be me. He establishes my foundation and builds the walls that fortify my city. He is my soundness of mind, my balance, my ability to partner, to parent, to originate, to cultivate, to create, to establish, and to secure. The anguish of certain actions in life have merely been consequences leading to new patterns of living. Over time I have learned that life is learned over time. Life is filled with vital lessons in acceptance and joy. He’s leading me to the high places of surrender so I can experience the depths of spiritual freedom. There is nothing for me to fear, least of all my self. I humbly concede the words He has spoken. Established in His bosom, I know myself in Him. I trust Him with my life; His word concerning me is in motion and will not return to Him void.

Balance

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go Trust
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Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them— obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Romans 8:5-6 (TMB)

When I start thinking it’s up to me to make something happen I get obsessed with measuring my own moral muscle. I am now repeatedly instructed to trust His action within me. Without a doubt, obsession with self in these matters has proven to be a dead end. I am learning to rest by letting go of the fixation of trying to figure out what’s going on and the compulsion to try to keep things in “balance.” Christ is balancing the scales of my life as I watch without judgment. There is an ease of movement found within grace and it is thereby that I am led into the wide open spaces of free living. I wait and expect his movement in me to be fully recognizable. I see Him even as He moves through others. Am I frustrated? Yes. Do I feel destroyed? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. But do I trust Him? YES! Yes, I do.

The Irresistible “Woo”

Post author:Susan
Post category:Trust Union
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“Mountains crumble in the presence of those who know how to wait, watch, and then boldly walk through the passage that appears before them.” —Guy Finley

I don’t fully understand this place I’ve entered; but somehow, in spite of the darkness (or maybe because of it), I am comprehending what aids trust and am letting go of that which opposes it. God gets smaller in my eyes each time my attention shifts to “my part” in procuring change. Real change occurs – and when it comes it’s not optional; it is God who makes the demand for change, engineers the circumstances for change, and supplies the passion to make the change.

We can’t change our heart and the heart is where all true change occurs. We can feel desperate, but we can’t make our desperation real anymore than we can manufacture our own repentance. God is the author and finisher of our faith. We speak, pray, cry aloud, and groan too deeply for utterance but it is always in response to His groaning within us. His presence is irresistible; His beckoning is deafening; His urging irrefutable. He aches and we can’t help but ache in return.

He brought me to this place and insists I receive only what is good and right for me. The circumstances seem bitter but I know they bring better things to come. It tarries, and I wait. The seedling has the right to grow even when I barely see any change in its stature. Hope never fades and love never fails!

I keep anticipating certain outcomes and time frames. Through disappointment, I reach for the irresistible woo of God to trust that an opening will appear in this seemingly solid wall. Yes, I’m sure He’s not asking me to take a pick axe and force an opening! He’s asking me to wait; to watch and see as His providence turns a partition into a passageway. He is getting bigger in my eyes every time I resist the urge to eradicate my own problems.

I stay willing – instead of willful. I wait (even when it makes no sense) and as I wait God is mounting trust (like a steed) and riding triumphantly — establishing my heart in the fact that He is too big to need anything from me at all. In this personal relationship, I am the object of His affection. He is silencing the fear of loss by becoming the only thing that matters and that which can never be lost or taken from me. To God be the glory!

For Love or Money?

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Letting Go
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Living from the head instead of the heart will blind me to who I am and what I want to do in life. There are dozens of roles to play, duties to perform, or jobs to work to earn money; and the mind will easily justify forsaking what I want in lieu of the money I could make at jobs I dislike.

Discontent and unrest are born if the desires of the heart are sacrificed for money. What good is money without joy? What good is money if the “real me” isn’t present to use it? Taking a job that frustrates my being will generate grief and conflict. If my vocation is not in harmony with who I am then I’ll spend money to feel better about myself through the things I can buy.

Greed will emerge as repeated attempts to be satisfied by possessions fail. I’ll keep trying on “new things” to alleviate my misery. My ability to spend money in accordance with my true nature will be compromised by the unrelenting dissatisfaction I feel having abandoned my heart for the sake of income.

At this juncture, I don’t know what else to do but trust God to lead me through this maze. The head screams, the heart aches, the spirit leaps, and the flesh shakes…but through it all God remains active in me…faithfully finishing the good work He began.

Evidence of Grace

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves
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“We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.” Romans 12:6
I’ve stopped looking at what another can do to measure what I think I should be able to do. What you do may be difficult for me and what’s easy for me may not be for you. Let’s not make our gifts an opportunity to judge or compare. Gifts are in accordance with the grace that’s been given. I have the grace that matches my gifts. It’s like getting a toy car for Christmas with the batteries included. I am given the gift and the energy that goes along with it. I recognize gifts by their accompanying grace.

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8
That doesn’t mean it’s always easy; but it does mean that even when it’s tough I’ll have the grace to face the hard work. My desire to conquer the difficulty is in proportion to the grace that’s been given.

“I have written you quite boldly on some points because of the grace God gave me.” Romans 15:15
Paul spoke boldly because of the grace he was given. Others have a merciful gift and speak with greater empathy because of the grace given to them. The point is to be who I am, to accept myself, and to give all that I have. I can’t give what I don’t have or try to be who I am not. People need me for who I am. I love who He’s made me to be. I am equally as valuable as those whose gifts differ from my own.

“Those reputed to be pillars gave me the right hand of fellowship when they recognized the grace given to me. They agreed that I should go to the Gentiles, and they to the Jews. All they asked was that I should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.” Galatians 2:9-10
Grace distinguishes me from others. When a particular grace is evidenced then room is made for that gift. The right hand of fellowship is offered because it’s hard to argue with grace! Grace evidences God’s choice. When I have the grace to do something it is like a spotlight shining on me. Those who see will allow me to do what I’m gifted to do. The gift makes room for itself and each person’s gift becomes relevant and equal.

And, in the light of the grace that’s been given, I remember the poor. I offer my gift, my substance, and my being with no need for reward or response. I give because I want what’s been invested in me to yield an increase in myself and others. I will do what I’ve been graced to do and to leave the rest for someone else. I may never know why or fully understand how another life is impacted when I am just “me”…but God does, and that’s what matters.