Yearly Archives: 2008

Self Breeds Self

nullAs I become who I really am, God finally claims what is rightfully His. He is demanding me to “come forth.” Like Lazarus, it’s time to take off the grave clothes and to walk in newness of life. In the freedom of being myself I no longer seek meaning apart from who Christ is in me. Every answer is within me. A new pattern of fearless living and giving is emerging. I have let go of this false claim of having a right to my own self. This selfish objective to carve out a sense of self embodies the very nature of sin. This act of so-called freedom actually destroys freedom. Selfishness has an insatiable need for more. Self breeds self.

Live from selfish motives and what I thought was freedom turns to bondage. I thought I needed to find myself when all I ever needed was to give myself away.

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A Higher Form of Self-surrender

I need to be myself so I can give myself away. I can’t give what I don’t have. To be less than myself is to continue to give with only self interest in view. My ulterior motives remain intact. This disqualifies me from meeting the true needs of others because I’d rather help them according to how I want to help them rather than how they would actually like to be helped. I’ll help in ways that make me feel good about myself.There is a paradox here. I cannot give what I do not have and yet I cannot have what I will not give. It is seemingly contradictory and yet it’s true: to find myself I had to give myself away. I never “found myself” in the selfish search of a self for the sake of self. I am made in the image of God and He is “The Self Who is for others.” Therefore I am found in the giving, not in the getting.

At first my giving was simply denying the false self’s claim to its own rights. But as the process continued my true nature surfaced. A higher form of self-surrender occurred when I was no longer laying down the false but rather picking up that which is real. Love found the “me” that is whole and complete so that others can receive a gift that is alive and active.

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Permission to Be

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I know I’m not the only one who’s struggled for the permission to be themselves. Each time I lose awareness of who I am, I start defining myself again by whatever cast I happen to slip into. I look at others and try to be like them so I will know how to fit into this little sub-society. I will take definition from a job, intellect, abilities, associations, opinions, or the opinions of others. But in all of this, I become painfully aware of the bondage of trying to meet the expectations of the stereotype I’ve fallen into.

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Freedom to Be

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To know myself is to enjoy the freedom of being myself. Without this freedom, I have lived in bondage to trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to be someone else is a heavy load – nothing compares to the lightness I feel when I am “me.” With this freedom comes the liberty to make mistakes with no fear of punishment or repercussion. I have the grace to watch without judgment. My punishing opinions were the source of my fears. I feared my own self punishment more than anything else. As I practice acceptance and forgiveness I find the freedom of movement that is essential to all true progress. I know now that I will never change if I fear the actions I take.

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Loss of Definition

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Change feels drastic because it messes with identity. Loss of definition makes the skin crawl and given the chance it will re-define itself in a heartbeat. The flesh needs a function, title, or status to feel important. I’m aware of the urge in me that still wants to define itself by what I do or who I know, but I am more aware of the love that knows not to let that happen. I am knowing who I am…and that makes it okay that I don’t know what shape life will take, what I’ll be doing, or who I will know. The loss of outer definition can no longer shake my awareness and acceptance of who I really am.

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No Less a Visionary

nullI awoke with an inner push hampering my joy. The feeling was both familiar and foreign. Familiar to a former self perception but foreign to who I am today. A deep awareness of the legitimacy of my union with Christ is beginning to interpret old thought patterns as intruders.

The “push” said it wasn’t enough to enjoy writing, communing with the Lord, or to post a few pieces of poetry on a website. The “push” insisted the site must have greater purpose (measured by profitability or popularity). I felt a goad to generate some kind of dynamic site safeguarded against static content. As if that were possible!

The domain was a given to me as a gift – a way for my creative expression to have an outlet. This push that was in play was perverting the purity of the gift by suggesting a moral obligation to write as proof of my worth.  This push was coming from the wrong source, no doubt.

Recognition was quick; the voice wasn’t coming from my Lord and therefore it wasn’t for me. I am not currently compelled to promote myself and yet I am no less a visionary. I have permission to keep it simple. I am not where others may be – but to dismiss comparison is to gain the confidence to be myself. I will dismantle all idolatry, tear down each graven image, and allow my individuality in Christ to generate His unique expression through me!

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