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I release the notion that I have to fix myself or produce change.  I believed I had to be willing to make a change…but now I believe that Change is willing to make me.  Change appears as incontestable desire.  I’m not consciously choosing each change; each change is more consciously choosing me.  When allowed to occur in its time, both choice and change are irresistible; each surfacing as the obvious next step.  Heart is transcending mind, revealing God as the God of pure gift.

In the meantime, I am content with who and how I am TODAY.  Impatience gets me to waste energy trying to produce my own change.  The crafty old voice points out my differences and calls them defects.  I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad about “how” I am as a person. I’m dismissing that voice.  I am trusting who I am, no longer looking at what others can do as a measure of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do.  I’m not going to look at what comes easily to you and then judge myself for not being able to do the same.  Nor take what comes easy to me and use it as an occasion to judge you.  I’m letting me be me and you be you…and finding equal value in both.

Another new practice for me…I’m allowing myself to “feel.”  You may think, “WHAT?!” but I have felt guilty for feeling anything.  If I felt angry, sad, peaceful or glad a voice in my head would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way.  Being out of touch with my feelings created a lot of frustration.  I thought I was angry at other people, but emotions are tied to a deeper source.  Feelings are signals that direct me to my own conscience.  If I’m not being true to myself feelings surface to reveal my need for action or inaction.  When I ignore them, they escalate into darker emotions that become debilitating.

When I am attached to an event that I feel in some way responsible for –  either I feel I did something wrong or didn’t do enough – the apparent lack on my part triggers something that feels like guilt. Usually it stems from not trusting my own instincts.  As I learn to value my first impressions of a situation, I see that my gut feeling serves me well. Denying my gut is the primary way I let myself down.

Repeatedly denying the stimuli to say something, do something, or to confront or challenge something turns a slow burn into anger and bitterness.  I may point outwardly at someone else, but the truth is, I’m angry at me for dismissing my own inner knowing.  I deny me…and that hurts and the pain makes me angry.  It’s masked behind the guilt I feel for feeling angry…but the anger’s there and as I learn to be true to myself I know the pervading guilt that looms over my life will dissipate.  I will allow feelings to do the work they came to do and then let them pass away.  Life really is getting much lighter around here!