September 2008 – Windmills in Moonlight

Different, Yet the Same

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Obedience Paradox
Post comments:2 Comments

I have a melancholy temperament and often feel the need to be understood. I like knowing I’m on the same page with others and tend to work hard to articulate or extrapolate meaning. I cherish this part of me when it’s nested in God; but for the struggling mind in me it can be a false cry for conformity. How often have I looked for validation through uniformity with others?

When I need to “be like you” to feel credible then even a different outlook will make me auto-adjust or over-correct my position to make sure I’m rightly understood. It’s as though any difference between us must be relegated to simple misunderstandings. I’m convinced if you just understand me, you’ll agree with me; and if you agree, then my silent cry for conformity is met.

I reject my uniqueness when I suspect others of being better than me. Comparison is the number one enemy of self-acceptance. My fear of being different (and more subtle craving for others to “see it the way I see it”) is rooted in a misunderstanding of union.

I erroneously expect Christ in me to be the exact reflection of Christ in you. When He isn’t, I presume one of us is defective (usually me, but occasionally you). Kicking into conformity mode, I back paddle my position. If I think you’re amiss, I’ll try to shift your position by re-explaining mine. If needed, I’ll pull out bigger guns and cite my inner knowing or what the Lord’s showing me…anything to persuade you that God in me is more accurate than God in you. Please know, these actions are not conscious, they’re autonomic in nature; it is “false self” preservation at its finest.

Yet another paradox; Christ is the same, but different. His Spirit unifies us; His “sameness” is recognizable in each. And yet, this same Christ is expressed differently in everyone and procures different answers and solutions to life’s complexities. His heart is more passionate in one than in another on any given subject. He may ache for political reform in one and will move that person into action; in another He may ache for personal reform and move them to action of another kind. In both, love is the motive, execution, and conclusion.

A difference in passions is not a lack of involvement in the human condition. We’re different parts of the same body…but remain of one heart, mind, and spirit. To applaud our differences is to affirm our uniqueness. Singularity of purpose mixed with multitudinous expression and execution is the key to love gracefully conquering all.

Doing and Being

Post author:Susan
Post category:Obedience Paradox
Post comments:3 Comments

There was no other choice for me…leaving the familiar was like God pushing me out of the nest. He was asking me to rise up and fly. New turf is rewarding and exhilarating – but also a lot like a junkie with intense withdrawals. There are days I am screaming on the inside… demanding some form of definition as to who I am and what I’m supposed to be DOING in life. “Doing” is like a drug that masks the pain of waking up to being myself. The skin crawls and the flesh cries out like the drug addict who would sell their very soul for another fix. I know…I’m melodramatic, but it’s a fairly accurate description for the process.

In moments of weakness I want to return to the familiar by looking for a new role to play, duty to perform, or job to fill. I am inwardly urged to resist the temptation. It’s not that I will never “do” anything again…I will. What I do will strengthen what this season of “non-doing” is all about – allowing myself to be who I was created to be with no apology, false humility, fear, or reservation.

I was wrestled from the nest to find my voice, rhythm, style, and expression…then, to live it by serving others from my true being. I will do much, but what I do will reflect who I am at the core. My service will flow from the revelation of who I know myself to be.

Of course there’s a paradox! Although I spent years doing things that didn’t satisfy they weren’t the “wrong” things. They were the “right” things for showing me who I wasn’t (I have to see who I’m not in order to see who I am). Doing refines being and being refines doing. So I “do” for as long as it takes for me to realize that this is NOT who I am. I may even “keep doing” long after I know that what I’m doing is no longer a fit but eventually I will break under the pressure of trying to do that which does not nourish the call of my being. It is THEN that I will enter a place like the one I’m in right now – a place where I am not allowed to do anything until I can recognize and call myself by the name that God has chosen for me…I am Susan, He calls me a writer…

Good-bye…again

Post author:Susan
Post category:Letting Go
Post comments:2 Comments

Mom died a year ago today…my brother Mark, less than six months ago. Daddy died two years before Mom…a dear friend and spiritual mentor close behind him. A kaleidoscope of grief made it difficult to face each death with distinction. So much change in such a short span of time made life as I knew it unrecognizable.

I once heard that losing parents is akin to watching a great library burn to the ground. My greatest resource in life is suddenly gone. I not only grieve the death of my parents, but the last remnants of my childhood for suddenly I am the new voice of wisdom. A generation has moved on, their hand reaching backwards fully expecting mine to reach forward to take the baton they are passing…whether I want it or not.

The shock wave of my brother’s death is diminishing and I find myself returning to a grief interrupted, life in absentia of mom.

Mom was my best friend, confidant, and safest haven…all descriptions incapable of conveying who she was (and in my heart still is) to me. Mom was the one with whom I was my raw self. That is to say, she overlooked a lot and withstood the abuse of my own pain. With Mom I never pretended to be more than who I was on any given day. She wanted me to feel safe, intuitively knowing I was hurting and hiding from other relationships. The thing is – Mom saw the whole of me.

She was my biggest fan and the number one hopeful that I would find my own voice. She read every word I wrote and never failed to let me know that she felt they were, well, anointed. She once told me that my writing “made an easy connection between my message and me as a person.” That meant a lot to me. I was her favorite writer, teacher, and singer of songs. We all deserve moms like this!

For many years, I’d go to visit my mom and just sleep a lot. I usually showed up at her door feeling spent. It wasn’t the length of the drive…11 hours is an easy trip for me. It was the way I lived my life. I was always going above and beyond – trying to live up to an expectation that I could never meet. I was angry, bitter, depressed. When the masks were wearing thin, I’d show up at Mom’s ready to rip them off.

Mom drew poison out of me like a healing poultice. She’d woo details of my morbid self-view onto the table and then help me to dismantle them one-by-one. I think it caused her pain, but she knew the wounds needed to be lanced and so she did.

Mom had a way of delivering me out of my hellish circle of self; she did it by simply needing me. She didn’t lecture against self-pity or use back-handed methods of correction. She knew I was too self-focused, but rather than telling me to shift my focus (causing me to feel guilty when I was unable to do so) she would just need me. She knew to draw upon the real Susan. She’d have a problem she couldn’t solve, a question she couldn’t answer, a need that required my response. She drew my focus off of myself and onto her. She’d ask me to explain a perplexing thought, what the Word had to say on a given subject, or simply ask me to sing her a song – as though only my voice could soothe her own unrest. She did it often and she did for me. I have no doubt my mother knew more than I…but she chose to need me for my sake…and that changed my life. She taught me that helping others was helping me.

Mom lived to see my evolution. She saw me walk away from depression in its most debilitating forms. She watched me make the painful transition out of a ministry position I was afraid to let go of even though I no longer fit the role. She witnessed the softening of the rough edges of my difficult relationships.

Mom, I love you and I have never thanked you enough for seeing me through. Because of you, I am a much better me. I still reach for your hand daily…and miss you dearly.

Irresistable Choice

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Choice Letting Go
Post comments:2 Comments

I release the notion that I have to fix myself or produce change. I believed I had to be willing to make a change…but now I believe that Change is willing to make me. Change appears as incontestable desire. I’m not consciously choosing each change; each change is more consciously choosing me. When allowed to occur in its time, both choice and change are irresistible; each surfacing as the obvious next step. Heart is transcending mind, revealing God as the God of pure gift.

In the meantime, I am content with who and how I am TODAY. Impatience gets me to waste energy trying to produce my own change. The crafty old voice points out my differences and calls them defects. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad about “how” I am as a person. I’m dismissing that voice. I am trusting who I am, no longer looking at what others can do as a measure of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do. I’m not going to look at what comes easily to you and then judge myself for not being able to do the same. Nor take what comes easy to me and use it as an occasion to judge you. I’m letting me be me and you be you…and finding equal value in both.

Another new practice for me…I’m allowing myself to “feel.” You may think, “WHAT?!” but I have felt guilty for feeling anything. If I felt angry, sad, peaceful or glad a voice in my head would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way. Being out of touch with my feelings created a lot of frustration. I thought I was angry at other people, but emotions are tied to a deeper source. Feelings are signals that direct me to my own conscience. If I’m not being true to myself feelings surface to reveal my need for action or inaction. When I ignore them, they escalate into darker emotions that become debilitating.

When I am attached to an event that I feel in some way responsible for – either I feel I did something wrong or didn’t do enough – the apparent lack on my part triggers something that feels like guilt. Usually it stems from not trusting my own instincts. As I learn to value my first impressions of a situation, I see that my gut feeling serves me well. Denying my gut is the primary way I let myself down.

Repeatedly denying the stimuli to say something, do something, or to confront or challenge something turns a slow burn into anger and bitterness. I may point outwardly at someone else, but the truth is, I’m angry at me for dismissing my own inner knowing. I deny me…and that hurts and the pain makes me angry. It’s masked behind the guilt I feel for feeling angry…but the anger’s there and as I learn to be true to myself I know the pervading guilt that looms over my life will dissipate. I will allow feelings to do the work they came to do and then let them pass away. Life really is getting much lighter around here!

Seasonally Undefined

Post author:Susan
Post category:Being Ourselves Paradox
Post comments:3 Comments

I’m still exercising the freedom to be seasonally undefined. I’m born to be who Christ has chosen to be in me; being me is the highest form of gratitude I can give to Him. I’ve had difficulty knowing just who this ‘me’ is. I’ve melded into others like a chameleon. Coming into my own is liberating, albeit confusing. I think that’s why He keeps giving me permission to be ‘no one.’ We’re starting with a blank canvas so I can identify my own color palette, and then use it to express myself in myriad ways.

I’m endeavoring to see myself, others, and all of life from the Father’s view. I see many expressions of One Christ – with no lines of discrimination. Jesus said, “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” In Him, I embody the same paradoxical union. More circles…it’s not a me story, it’s a God story…and yet, in many ways, it’s about no one else but me.

He is convincing me that ‘I’ am what makes my life worth living. To receive myself is to receive the only gift I can ever give to others. I cannot give who I wish I were or who I try to be. I can only give you me. During the last few years I have had to find, receive, and employ my own know-how for living, and in the process I am finding that I am my own reward.

Receiving myself eradicates the feeling that anything is missing in my life. I’m my own missing link and the only gift I can keep on giving. Here’s my point… before receiving myself, I could not be a self for others; now that I have, I can be nothing less! I’ve come undone…and found wholeness. Paradox and circles…you gotta love ’em!